Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.  After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."  The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.  He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front  paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at  the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.  A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.  The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$250?" she cried, "$250 just to tell me my duck is dead?" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $250."

Baby Planes

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago... The little boy (who had been looking out the window turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The busy flight attendant smiled and said, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes, she did!"

"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

Thanks, Dave!

Dear Wife...

Found on the Refrigerator One Morning:

Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that  you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you  and I value you as  a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset -- I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found  the following letter on the dining room table:

Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would  like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the  assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary,  is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we  are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

Thanks for sending, Roy