Overheard in New York Part 2

Way back in February I posted some of my favorite Overheard In New York quotes, and I had every intention of posting more. I forgot. So here we are now, in August, and I'm trying to redeem myself. This stuff is great. Read a few and you'll see for yourself...

Thug: Damn! You can't go nowhere now without seeing faggots. I saw two brothers holding hands on the train the other day. It's like they were coming out of the closet on the train!
Thugette: There ain't no closet on the train.
- L Train, 8th Ave

Guy: I'd like the two-for-one sundae deal.
Employee, agitated: It's not two-for-one!
Guy: It's not?
Employee: It's buy one, get one free!
- 6th St & 1st Ave

Old creepy guy: You're a pretty lady.
Random lady, walking by: Thanks.
Old creepy guy: I should kidnap you.
- Tour De Brooklyn Rest Site

Cashier to woman hurrying towards exit: Hey! What are you doing?
Woman: What? I ain't done nothin'.
Cashier: Where's the bag of beer that was on this counter? You took it.
Woman: No I didn't! I didn't! I don't got no beer!
Cashier: Yes, you do. You have it. Now give it back.
Woman: I don't know what you talkin' about! (runs out the door, holding something under her jacket)
(older male employee walks in)
Man: What was that?
Cashier: She just stole from us, Mike! Follow her!
Man: Nah, calm down. It's not a big deal.
Cashier: She took your beer!
Man: What? (runs after her)
- Hallmark, Park Slope

Girl on cell with dog in her bag: So I was just like "You're a friggin' douche!" (pauses and looks in bag) F#*k! My asshole dog just s#*t in my bag! (takes dog out) Oh my god! It s#*t in my lap! It's everywhere! Help me, Dana!
- D Train

20-something girl: There's this guy in my class who's like an Indian. But, I keep reading these things about how we were so horrible to the Indians and how there are none left, so where did he come from? Like, if there are none left, where did he come from?
- Rockefeller Center

Stranger to six-year-old girl who is one dollar short when paying: Hey there, sweetheart! I will pay that last dollar for you. Don't you worry.
Girl: No! You are fat!
- Dylan's Candy Bar

Kid: Why is it raining so much?
Mom: The rain is god's tears, because Michael Jackson is dead.
- Livingston & Court, Brooklyn

Girl #1: Ben's hot, but I think he's gay.

Girl #2: No way. Why?
Girl #1: He asked me if my carpet matches my drapes.
Girl #2: I don't think he's gay.
Girl #1: Oh yeah?
Girl #2: Call him up and tell him he can chew on your carpet!
Girl #1: What?
- Central Park

Middle aged woman: Excuse me, can you tell me where I can find English muffins?
Teen employee: All the muffins are in that aisle over there, but I don't know where they are from.
- Waldbaums Supermarket, Bayside

Elderly security guard #1: You got plans this weekend?
Elderly security guard #2: Nah, man.
Elderly security guard #1: Oh, I know what you got planned!
Elderly security guard #2: Nothin', man. I'm gonna be sleepin'.
Elderly security guard #1: Sleepin' like a pervert!
- 7th Ave b/w 37th & 38th

Little boy in blue blazer and khakis: I'm having a party. You can come.
Little girl in flower dress: (keeps skipping rope)
Little boy: You can bring your Lego people!
- 25th St & Broadway

Hobo: Look, I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not hungry or sick, I just need some money so I can get high, but it's just weed, I don't do heroin or cocaine or any of that s#*t.
Guy: You know, it's because of guys like you that people think pot should be illegal! Look at you! When I get high, I pay my own way! I earn my own money and get high! There are little kids on this train! What do you think they're going to learn? Man, think a little!
- 4 train

Suit #1: We need to come here more often and find some whores.
Suit #2: Yeah, whores are everywhere around here.
Suit #1: You always have to pay for whores with cash... it's when you use a credit card that they catch you.
- Marriot on Broadway

Man on cell: I would f#*king marry the girl, if it wasn't for every time I went down on her she tasted like hummus.
- 3rd Ave. & 11th St.

Kid #1: Yo, look at that Jetsons mom's hair.
Kid #2: What's the Jetsons?
Kid #1: You don't know the Jetsons? Dem's those niggas that live in space.
- N train going uptown

Dumb teen: Hey, look at this! It says "Train for jobs in biotch."
Smarter teen: Fool! That word is biotech. Why you gotta be ignorant all your life?
- 1 train

Gay guy #1: Well, I was fed up with Maria. I told her that the conversation was over. I said, "girl, this is it. You better stop this or I will cut you." Like, "I know where you live, girl. You better watch your back."
Annoying Latina, laughing: Well, you better be careful if you go and cut her. I think she might have Aids.
Gay guy #2: Say what?
Gay guy #1: Okay, what?
Annoying Latina: Yeah, well, it's okay cause not all Aids are bad.
Gay guy #1: Girl, what are you talking about? Aids is Aids!
Annoying Latina: Yeah, but there's those people that live with it. Its not that bad.
Gay guy #2: Okay, girl, then you go get Aids and tell me how that goes.
- 13th St b/w University Ave & Broadway

Young woman: I heard this funny joke. A man comes home and his wife says "Your boss called and said that you were fired." The man answers "F#*k him!", and the woman says "I did, and now you have your job back."
Woman's husband: I don't get it.
Eight-year-old son: C'mon dad, she made out with the boss!
- F train

Girl #1: So when was your first kiss?
Girl #2: My 17th birthday.
Girl #1: How about your first time making out?
Girl #2: Also my 17th birthday.
Girl #1: ...first blowjob?
Girl #2: This is awkward. 17th birthday, again.
Girl #1: How about when you lost your virginity?
Girl #2: 17th.
Girl #1: How about the first time you --
Girl #2: I know what you're about to ask, and the answer is "my 17th birthday" again.
Girl #1: God damn! What the hell did you do for your 18th birthday?
- R train

Girl: He had Tetris.
Guy: Tetris?
Girl: You know, when you twitch involuntarily.
Guy: Oh, you mean Tourette's syndrome!
- 6 Train

Woman #1: You totally should get knocked up by him. With the child support you'd get, you'd be set for life.
Woman #2: I know! Right?
- Gym, Columbia University

Loud woman on cell: And then he had the nerve to ask me if it was cause he's black! I was like, "it's not cause you're black, it's cause you slept with that stripper!"
- Starbucks

20-something girl: You know what I miss? The 90s.
20-something gay guy: Oh, hell no, girl. Do you remember the hair? People had all that damn Aqua-Net left over from the 80s and didn't know what to do with it!
- NYU

Click here to read more really good Overheard In New York quotes!

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Overheard In New York

They say you don't have to look very far in order to find something funny in life, and I would agree. Overheard in New York lets people post the things they overhear while out and about in public places; on the bus, in a restaurant, at work, anywhere. Most of the things overheard are extremely random and that's exactly what makes them so funny. Here are some of my favorites.

Young black man with suitcase: I just want you all to know that I am getting on the train with a suspicious package.
Older black man, not looking up from his newspaper: Nigga, that is the stupidest thing you could have said.

- Downtown train

Upper-East-Side lady on cell phone: I know, but I was at a funeral all day...Yeah, it was sad, but I really didn't know him at all...This saddest thing was seeing his daughters upset. They're the same ages as--Wow! This shirt is only $19!! You can't even buy a freaking Frappuccino for $19! I'm getting it in blue.

- Banana Republic, 86th & 3rd

Chick, screaming into cell phone: What a bitch! I swear, it's getting harder and harder to f#*k your co-worker and get away without people finding out!
- JFK

Mother: Don't you ever do that again! (slaps child hard)

Child, calmly: Well, are you happy with yourself?
- Union Square

Friendly guy to two cute girls speaking French: Hi, where are you girls from?
Girl #1: We are from Switzerland.
Friendly guy: Oh, so you speak Swedish?
Girl #1: No, we speak French.
Friendly guy, slowly: So then, you come from France?
Girl #2: No, we come from the French-speaking part of Switzerland.
Friendly guy, confused: Oh, okay. So uh, how long did it take you to drive here?
- Burger King, W 42nd St

Train conductor: This is Dyckman Street.
Rotten teenager (somehow getting on loudspeaker): Dyckman Street, yo! Suck my motherf#*kin' dick!
(passengers are bewildered)
Train conductor, on next stop: This is 207th Street. Sorry, that was some kid in the back of the train, not me.
- 1 Train

Realist on cell phone: Well you can't expect every guy you sleep with to call you back.

- 53rd & 6th

Dude with headphones on: How the f**k did Britney Spears get on my iPod?
- 13th St & 6th Ave

Man on phone: Right. Right. Wait, what? (in shock) He don't got a gun? Well, he has to have a gun! What kinda game do you think this is?
- J Train

Little girl: Christmas is next!
Mother: No, first is Halloween, then Thanksgiving, and then Christmas.
Little girl: And then we die!
- Tea Lounge, Park Slope

Coworker #1: So what've you been up to?
Coworker #2: The usual. Just whacked off.
Coworker #1: Dude, you're on speakerphone.
- Office, Midtown

Hyper JAP: So then I was like, "Hey, you can't just sleep with me in your mom's house and then leave, because I don't even know your mom and I don't care if she's away."
Bored JAP: Right...
Hyper JAP: I blame Sex and the City for this.
Guy sitting nearby: Hey, blame it on you being a slut! Damn.

- Starbucks, 38 Park Row

Man: I just don't get it! Just last night you were complaining about how you never try anything new, but you feel like you should.

Woman: Okay, well ordering the roast duck is a little different than a threesome, Tim.

- 13th & 3rd

Guy: I was seeing her for a while, but it just wasn't working out. I guess I'm not over Jessica.

Girl: What?
Guy: What do you mean, what?
Girl: I thought you were gay.
Guy: Oh, because I'm a hairdresser. How original. Just because I'm a hairdresser you think I'm gay.
Girl: No. I thought you were gay because when I stayed at your house four years ago I woke up and saw you f#*king Matt in the ass!
Guy: Oh my God. Matt and I have never talked about that night.
- 9th & Broadway

Thanks to Overheardinnewyork.com