Clark: Come in here, honey! We're gonna do Day One!Rusty Griswold: Dad, this isn't the car you ordered.
Clark: Settle down Russ. Ed, uh, this is not the car I ordered.
Ed the Car Salesman: Now, I owe it to myself to tell you, Mr. Griswold, that if you are thinking of taking the tribe cross country, this is your automobile. The Wagon Queen Family Truckster. You think you hate it now, but wait till you drive it!!
Clark: Hey, hey, easy kids. Everybody in the car. Boat leaves in two minutes... or perhaps you don't want to see the second largest ball of twine on the face of the earth, which is only four short hours away?
[driving through bad neighborhood, gunshot goes off]
Clark: Roll 'em up!
Clark: Excuse me, could you please tell me how to get back on the express way?
Pimp: F#%k yo mama!
Clark: Thank you very much.
Motorcycle Cop: Do you know what the penalty for animal cruelty is in this state?
Clark: No, sir, I don't.
Motorcycle Cop: Well... it's probably pretty stiff.
Cousin Eddie: Hey, you look like you could use a cool one.
Clark: Now you're talking!
[Eddie hands Clark an opened beer he's been drinking, gets a fresh one for himself]
Cousin Eddie: I don't know why they call this stuff Hamburger Helper... it does just fine by itself, huh? I like it better than Tuna Helper myself, don't you, Clark?
Clark: You're the gourmet around here, Ed!
Cousin Eddie: How do you like yours, Clark?
Clark: Oh, medium rare... a little pink inside...
Cousin Eddie: No, I mean your bun.
Clark: Real tomato ketchup, Eddie?
Cousin Eddie: Oh, nothing but the best!
Ellen Griswold: Gee Cath, looks like you really got your hands full.
Catherine: Oh, it's not so bad. Eddie says after the baby comes, I can quit one of my night jobs.
Rusty Griswold: Hey, you got Pac Man?
Cousin Dale: No.
Rusty Griswold: Ya' got Space Invaders?
Cousin Dale: Nope.
Rusty Griswold: Ya' got Asteroids?
Cousin Dale: Naw, but my dad does. Can't even sit on the toilet some days.
Aunt Edna: So you're the ones who sent me that fruitcake for Christmas last year. Made me so-ooo sick.
Ellen Griswold: Oh, we're sorry. We thought you enjoyed fruitcake.
Aunt Edna: Do you enjoy throwing up every five minutes, Claude?
Clark: Clark.
Aunt Edna: I thought so!
Aunt Edna: Why don't you just ask him for the money, Eddie? He sure as Hell can't take a hint.
Cousin Eddie: Well, I didn't want to ask you, Clark, you know, but could you maybe spare a little extra cash?
Clark: Sure, Eddie, how much do you need?
Cousin Eddie: About fifty-two thousand dollars.
[Clark shuffles the bills back into his wallet]
Ellen Griswold: I honestly don't think we're going to find the Grand Canyon on this road.
Clark: Jesus, it's only the biggest God-damn hole in the world.
Aunt Edna: Clark, watch your language!
Clark: Make that the second biggest.
Rusty Griswold: That was a crummy Wyatt Earp, dad. He was wearing jogging shoes.
Clark: They used to, Rusty.
[Getting ready to jump into the hotel pool for a skinny-dip with Christie Brinkley]
Clark: This is crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy!
[After jumping into the freezing cold pool]
Clark: Aaaaaah! Jesus! F#%k!
Clark: Oh she's just a waitress. I was just ordering some fish for you and uh...
Rusty: Audrey, dad.
Clark: For you and Audrey. Swimming pool waitress...
Rusty: Do you think mom will buy it?
Clark: Good talk, son.
Clark: Russ, it's really great that I can spend time with you and... uh... uh... uh...
Rusty: Audrey, Dad.
Clark: I'm so hungry I could eat a sandwich from a gas station!
Mechanic 2: Ain't never seen anyone so shit-all stupid as you driving off that road. You musta got manure for your brains.
Clark: Yeah, well, we're from out of town. How much do I owe you?
Mechanic 1: How much you got?
Clark: No, I'm asking how much the repairs are.
Mechanic 1: And I'm asking you how much you got!
Ellen: How are you, honey?
Clark: Oh great! I just paid $700 for four bald tires and a tow.
Clark: I think you're all f#%*ed in the head. We're ten hours from the f#%*ing fun park and you want to bail out. Well I'll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation. It's a quest. It's a quest for fun. I'm gonna have fun and you're gonna have fun. We're all gonna have so much f#%*ing fun we'll need plastic surgeory to remove our godamn smiles. You'll be whistling "Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah" out of you're assholes!
Marty Moose: Sorry, folks! We're closed for two weeks to clean and repair America's favorite family fun park. Sorry, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh!
Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld: Sorry folks, park's closed. Moose out front shoulda told ya.
Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld: That's not a real gun, is it Clark?
Clark: Are you kidding? This is a Magnum P.I.
Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld: It's a BB gun!
Clark: Don't tempt me. I could put an eye out with this thing.
Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld: You couldn't even break the skin with that thing.
Clark: Yes I could, I could break the skin and cause a very bad infection!
Clark: I just want you to ask yourself one thing. If you were... if you were me, wouldn't you do the same thing for your children?
Roy Walley: No.
