Happy Meal Becomes Sad Meal: Idiot Politicians in San Francisco Destroy Fun

So they're passing a ban on Happy Meals and other fast food meals that are "too happy." As in too tasty. As in not good for you. This is happening in San Francisco right now but rest assured this terrible killing-of-tasty-food trend will continue to spread across the rest of the country. Here are the requirements:

• The meal can't exceed 600 calories
• Less than 35 percent of the calories can come from fat (nuts, nut butters, low-fat cheese excepted)
• It's required to have a half cup of vegetables
• Breakfast meals are required to have a half cup of fruit
• Sodium limits
• A multigrain requirement

Can you believe this shit? What the hell is next, Logan's Run?

Obama's Facebook Friend Request

This is really, really funny to me for some reason. Head over to Geekologie to read about some dude's attempt at a "Friend Request On Obama's Facebook"...

Take Away My Sparks, Take Away My Fun

They're doing it again. They're taking away my fun, again.

This time it's Sparks, the drink that looks like a giant "AA" battery. The product is being pulled from shelves, thanks to New York Attorney General Andrew Cuomo i.e; "Ass-Wad of the Year!"

Attorney General Andrew Cuomo

The Sparks we've come to know -- a tasty malt beverage packed with caffeine, ginseng, taurine and all of those other butt-kicking, energy drink-type ingredients -- will soon be no more.

To me, Sparks is the white man's Mad Dog. At nearly 7% alcohol by volume, one can of Sparks does the job of two beers. And it has the taste of an energy drink. I like that. But they are taking it away.

Some dude chugging Sparks

Back in December, MillerCoors, the maker of Sparks, was ordered by Attorney General Andrew Cuomo to pull the beverage from stores in New York. But it won't stop there. MillerCoors is pulling Sparks from all shelves nationwide.

Cuomo stated, “Drinks like Sparks encourage the polar opposite of responsible drinking habits. Besides being aggressively marketed to a younger crowd, they are fundamentally dangerous and put drinkers of all ages at risk and blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. BLAH BLAH BLAH, I AM AN ASS-WAD, BLAH BLAH, AND I WAS BEATEN AS A CHILD, BLAH, THEREFORE I DO NOT ADVOCATE DRINKING OR HAVING FUN OF ANY KIND, BLAH BLAH BLAH..." Okay so I made up that last part, but still.

SCREW YOU AND ALL THE OTHERS LIKE YOU, CUOMO! YOU ARE TAKING AWAY MY FUN AND I HATE YOU!!!

I recently checked in with a few local gas stations and liquor stores here in northeast Ohio and noticed that Sparks was still being stocked. Sadly, this will not be the case for long.

So get your Sparks while you can. Because evil government shit-heads like Andrew Cuomo have nothing better to do with their time than to take away our fun. Before you know it, they will take away regular beer, then they will take away our air, and then we'll have to live underground in tunnels like they did in Total Recall.

Obama's Elf

Thanks, Amanda!

Plan A or Plan B?

Since this blog is pretty much devoted to fun, I tend to stay away from the political spectrum. Once in a while though, I just have to vent. So I'll get this out and then we can all move on.

Our so-called "global economy" is tanking. Nearly every developed nation is in financial turmoil (the undeveloped ones suck as usual and they're always in the crapper so who really cares about them, right?).

As American citizens we are now at a point where, to pay off the national debt, each man, woman and child would have to fork over $35,000. Like that's gonna happen.

Now mind you, I am no economics guru -- merely a connoisseur of fun -- but I think I have a couple of potential solutions. They are proposals for anyone reading this who might be in a position to make a dent in this whole mess.

It's simple, really. I have two plans. And when you read them, you're going to say to yourself, "Really? It's that easy?" In fact, Obama himself -- if he were to read my plans -- would say to himself, "Holy shit, now why din' I think of that?!"

The first one I like to call "Plan A." When you were a kid and you were losing at a video game, what did you do? Of course... you hit the reset button!

And that's how we fix it; we just sweep it under the carpet and pretend it never happened. It's like a "do-over." That's what you do when people keep screwing up in a game of stick hockey, right? You call do-over. When you change the oil in your car, what do you do afterward? You push the little reset button to turn off the engine light because you're sick of looking at it.

So every country agrees to hit their reset button and we all start over at zero. Hell, we had to start at zero at some point way back in history, right? So we just start over from scratch; that's all we're doing.

Either we go with that plan, or we go with something different. I call this different plan "Plan B" -- a.k.a. the "Star Trek Plan."

This plan eliminates all money from the face of the earth. With the Star Trek Plan, there is no currency at all, anywhere. Star Trek didn't have currency. That worked out. So if you need something, you make it. You just make your own stuff. If you need a blanket, you get a sheep and some knitting needles. If you want some butter, you make it. The friggin' Amish do it.

Now you are probably saying to yourself, "This Plan B/Star Trek Plan is the greatest thing ever!! I won't have to go to work anymore, I can just lay around all day!!" Not so fast. Those who wish to be productive citizens will assist society in some way; you could help the elderly or maybe build someone a house. In return for your labor, you will not be be paid in cash (remember, cash does not exist), you will be paid in food items or clothing. Maybe if you're really busting your ass, you get an iPod, who knows. Those who do not work... those who choose to be lazy... will die.

I now return you to fun.

Beer Pong Almost Banned

They almost passed a law to ban beer pong in Baltimore because of this douche:

His name is George Della Jr., a senator from Maryland, and he wanted to ban beer pong. Did ya get that? He wanted to BAN FRIGGIN' BEER PONG!!

He almost got away with it too. Fortunately, he was hit with angry emails from Baltimore residents and changed his mind. I wish he was hit with a truck instead. Because this guy's a douche. Did I mention he's a douche?