"Hi, Billy Mays Here..."

Thanks, Dan!

"And If You Order Now... AARRRGH!!" Billy Mays Is Dead

Billy Mays is dead. And no, he didn't O.D. on Just For Men beard coloring.

Man, what is it with this month anyway? The Grim Reaper must be having one hell of a hoe-down. First Ed McMahon, then Farrah, then MJ, and now Billy. Hell, I'm not even done crying about those people.

Who's gonna pitch all those crappy, garage sale-bound products? The Sham Wow Guy went to jail (or at the very least he's still in hot water) so he can't take over. WTF, is the whole world going to hell in a hand basket?!

So 50 year-old Billy -- who was signed on to start filming commercials as Taco Bell's new spokesman -- was reportedly hit in the head by some luggage during a rough landing in Tampa, Florida. That very well may have been the cause of death, because the next morning his wife found him dead. TMZ has the full report. The cause of death has yet to be officially determined, stay tuned.

Ridiculously Terrible And Laughable Indian Version Of Michael Jackson's Thriller

Never Question The Power Of Robot Rock

Maybe he's doing a cover of Mr. Roboto.

Friday FAILS

Some good ones today. Enjoy!









Thanks, Fail Blog

Michael Jackson Checks Out For Good (1958-2009)

The giant ferris wheels, the roller coasters, the hyperbaric chamber, The Elephant Man's bones, the fake marriage to Elvis's daughter, the plastic surgeries, the lawsuits, the irresponsible spending, the baby dangling, the surgical masks, the monkeys, the moonwalk, the hoo-hoo, the Jesus Juice, the little boy slumber parties... it's all over.

Michael Jackson is dead.

As I was pulling out of work today (5:15 eastern) I heard them announce on the radio that Jackson was reportedly taken to a hospital for cardiac arrest, via a source at TMZ. Within an hour and a half, it was confirmed he had died.

I'm not sure what to say. On one hand, it's sad to hear when anyone dies. On the other hand, I'm not really all that choked up about it. Probably due to the fact that I just don't know whether he was diddling little kids or what. I mean, the man never seemed to be on the up-and-up when it came to the rationale behind why he spent so much time with little boys. It always seemed suspicious.

I'm old enough to remember what I was doing the day Elvis died. It was a pretty huge deal. This is too. You don't get bigger than Michael Jackson. Whether you want to believe the guy was a pedophile or not (and how can we know with 100% certainty), there's no disputing his legendary talent and the mark he made on pop culture.

Rest assured the days that follow will consist of non-stop media coverage the likes of which have rarely been seen. The space shuttle, the Reagan assassination attempt, 9/11, and the death of Michael Jackson... there are few things this big. Did he O.D.? Was it suicide? Or did he just drop because he weighed something like 120 lbs? Conspiracy nuts are already drooling at the possibility he may have faked his own death to escape his torment. We may never know for sure.

One thing I am sure of is that we will be hearing all sorts of dark, seedy details about his bizarre lifestyle in the days and months ahead.

Farrah Fawcett No More

Sniff. Goodbye, my love. You are now only a memory of my

horny-at-the-Spencer-Gifts-poster-rack-
hiding-the-fact-that-you're-getting-a-boner-
looking-at-the-nips-while-your-parents-aren't-around-
and-hoping-they-don't-come-back-from-Sears-until-
you're-done-staring

youth.

Goodbye.

Funny Bunny

Top 10 Shitty Selling Cars In America

ABC News has compiled a list of the top 10 worst selling cars in America right now. GM and Chrysler hog most of the list, with Kia Motors joining in for fun. It's kind of fascinating, but at the same time not really surprising.

Take for instance, the Dodge Caliber. Here's what they're saying:

American car dealers are taking an average of 223 days to clear the Caliber off their lots. That's more than seven months -- a longer sales period than any other major-selling car on the market today.

Maybe it's not selling because... oh, I don't know... maybe because it's a Dodge and it's ugly as hell...?

Dodge Caliber. And they wonder why it's not selling.

Be sure to check it out.

Quite Possibly The Most Disturbing Claymation Ever Created

Five minutes of pure WTF, right here.

Got Ten Minutes? Listen To Some Of The Best Club Music You Will Ever Hear

I mean it.

Besides, it's fun to watch. You'll see.

Transformers Revenge Of The Fallen Is Reportedly Pretty Crappy

Wow, not looking good here.

Kid Goes Bonkers After Mom Cancels His WoW Account

There's a good chance this is staged but even so, it is still hilarious to watch. Crazy to think some kid went to this emotional extreme on camera.

Funny Furniture Commercial

Courtesy of Holy Taco.

My Cell Is Busted

Well, my Sony Ericsson finally went kaput. I'm surprised it lasted this long (nearly two years) considering the bad reputation the phone has. I plan to get a new phone but I'm holding out till July when my contract is up, at which time I may get one a them snazzy iPhone thingies.

Needless to say if you're trying to get hold of me, shoot me an email at the addy above.

Pictures Of Girls With Bottles

Holy Taco has a collection of photos depicting girls with bottles. Usually they are either licking them or shoving them into their mouths. It's pretty cool. Don't worry, it's Safe For Work.

A Very Special Tribute To Techno Viking

The Legend

According to Urban Dictionary, the legend of Techno Viking is as follows:

The Techno Viking is a tall, muscular, charismatic, intimidating, German man that danced for the camera in F#@%parade 2000 (a techno street-parade in Berlin Germany). It is said that he has appeared in other years to follow as well. The F#@%parade developed in reaction to the music restriction (exclusion of Gabber music) and commercialization of Love Parade. Additionally, it broached the issue of the techno club "Bunker" being closed. The most played styles of music in the F#@%parade are Gabber, Speedcore, Techno, Punk, and House. 

The Techno Viking was made famous because of the "Kneecam" recording of a blue-haired girl dancing, then being crashed into by some unruly guy, causing the Techno Viking to snatch the guy up by his arms and shove him back where he came running from. The Techno Viking then pointed at the man and gazed with an extremely fierce glare in his eyes. An aura of fear eminated from the Techno Viking, causing the man to step down from the confrontation. The Techno Viking then started dancing wildly through the streets after being given a water bottle from one of his fans. 

The Video

Check out the one, the only, the original "Techno Viking" video footage from 2000 and see for yourself!

The True Measure Of A Man

Some say Techno Viking is becoming as popular on the Internet as Chuck Norris, since he has shown to be very dangerous if provoked. Here are some great quotes describing the awesome might of Techno Viking:

Techno Viking doesn't dance to the music, the music dances to Techno Viking

The only man that can actually kill Chuck Norris is Techno Viking

Techno Viking requires water to be served to him upside down, and is delivered notes on a weekly basis

A 100 decibel hi-fi sound system runs at 1/10th the volume of Techno Viking's heart beat

Tee-Shirts

There are literally dozens of different Techno Viking tee shirt designs for sale out there. Visit Cafe Press to check some of them out.

My Salute

Techno Viking, O god of chiseled pectoral muscles, I raise my glass of 100 proof pure grain alcohol. To You!

And that, my friends, concludes this very special tribute...

to Techno Viking.

The Numark NS7 Is Sick

Wow, I would almost give my left nut for this.

Numark just released its brand new NS7, an all-in-one digital DJ system. Real motorized turntables made of metal with actual vinyl platters on top, a 2-channel mixer section, damn-near zero latency (via USB 2), more than 100 LEDs for thorough illumination and way more than I have time to mention here. One very unique feature is something called "Strip Search"... a touch-sensitive strip that lets you quickly zero-in on a particular point in a track, letting you pull a virtual needle drop! As if all that weren't enough, it also comes packed with Serato ITCH software. ITCH is reportedly an awesome interface, organizing song files, providing waveforms, and even analyzing all your tracks to calculate their BPM! Amazing.

The NS7 retails for $1,299 — which may seem steep — until you consider that buying two decent digital decks, a mixer and software would be significantly more expensive. As in the neighborhood of two or three grand. Here you get everything. All you need is a laptop and you're set.

Looks like Numark got it right.



Here's a video of DJ Getdown using the new NS7 (can the boy scratch or what):

This Guy Is Quite Possibly The Worst Comedian Ever

I no lie.



Alright I have to admit the AIDS bit at the end was actually funny but that's about it.

Okay wait. Actually, I just watched this again and I have to say, the guy is hilarious in his own f#@%ed-up way. Maybe even a genius. Don't you think? I'm being serious. I might have to change the title of this post.

Metal Guy Shreds The Living S#@% Out Of His Guitar At 48 Notes Per Second

Since we're on the subject of amazing guitar work, here's a clip showing some dude absolutely shredding a guitar at (supposedly, although not verified to my knowledge) 48 notes per second!!

Yeah. I know.

WHA -- ?!!

Amazing Guitar Playing Kid Will Make You Feel Like A Complete Talentless Failure

At least that's how he makes me feel!

This kid is simply amazing. I hope he makes a lot of money (and that his parents unlock the basement door and let him go outside to play once a year).

His name is Sungha Jung. Here he is, doing an acoustic version of Bon Jovi's Living On A Prayer:

Hottest Girls On MySpace

Yes, there is a place you can go to check out tons and tons of super hot girls (like the one above) with MySpace pages. Click here!

Um.


Okay, so 98% of them are just models looking for publicity... but hey, who cares? They're super hot!

Creepy Kids' Show

Legendary Cartoons: Ma, Pa, and Junior Bear

Happy Father's Day!!

Warner Bros. "A Bear For Punishment" (1949)

Wii Advertising Image Is Now Funny

Now that someone put a caption under it.

New 2012 Trailer Will Freak You Out

Courtesy of Roland Emmerich (Independence Day, Godzilla, The Day After Tomorrow) comes yet another apocalyptic vision of doom.

I have to admit, while I'm not really a fan of this guy's work (I have always hated Independence Day), this one intrigues me. Maybe because the visual effects are so amazing. Or maybe 'cause I'm a-scared of what might happen on December 21st, 2012.

Check out the trailer. Then, if you want to brush up on current "2012 doomsday scenario" info, click here.

Friday FAILS

Five Friday Fails. Say that five times fast.

This Proves Trek Is Cool Again

Yup. It does. And there are more reasons.

Thanks to Sci-Fi Wire

Taking a Few Days Off

I'll be back.

This Mego Star Trek Fan Film Is Just Plain Bizarre

It starts slow but gets progressively more bizarre by the second.

My DJ Setup

I discovered a shockingly enjoyable, new hobby last year... something I never expected to have fun with... something I never thought could take the place of my beloved drums: DeeJaying.

This is pretty much my current setup:

(2) Denon DN-S1000 Digital Turntables

(1) Denon DN-X100 Scratch Mixer

Beatmatching is something I absolutely fell in love with -- and I got bit when I wasn't even looking (I think it happened when I was checking out electronica on YouTube). In case you're not sure WTF I'm talking about, beatmatching is the art of matching beats and blending songs together as seamlessly as possible. I'm not really into scratching (the particular sound has always annoyed me for the most part), just matching beats. Almost like the beautiful girl you once saw roaming your neighborhood, for me, beatmatching was there all these years... I just never knew it.

Here's one of my favorite amateur disc jockeys, DJ Ama, out of Fort Lauderdale:

There's more DJ Ama here and here.

And it's a lot harder than she makes it look. Being a good DJ takes good timing, an ear for detail, the ability to multitask, a lot of practice, and -- above all else -- a true love of music.

Not everyone is into electronic music and I can understand that; the BPMs (beats per minute) for many of the songs are ridiculously similar. And they're supposed to be.

I might add that, for someone like me (an open-minded music fan on the verge of A.D.D.), electronic music is extremely satisfying to listen to... and even more satisfying to spin! And you know what? I don't give a f%#k if you think this music is crazy or gay or whatever... all I know is, when I get into a zone and feel the music there are few words to describe it. Yeah that might sound corny to you but it's true. The only thing that ever came close is when I played out during my hard rock/metal band days.

Now when it comes to gear, Pioneer is the industry standard, that is true. But I will say this, Denon makes some nice gear also. The equipment I have is pretty much Denon's bottom-of-the-barrel stuff but it is feature-packed and does a great job. I bought the DN-S1000's off of eBay, used, for about $175 a piece (retail is $300 ea). The mixer cost me another $150. Five hundred bucks got me a working set up, so it was not what you might call a huge investment. In fact I've already pulled enough gigs to pay for the gear so the rest is gravy.

A full-on, top-of-the-line Pioneer setup (like the one in DJ Ama's video above) would run at least $3,000 if not $4,000. So I'm doing this on the cheap. But again, the Denon units have a bunch of awesome features built-in: sampling, looping, a (sort of half-ass) scratch function, and some nice effects like echo and reverb. And the actual sound quality is pristine.

I'll chime-in later at one point with more details. I'm also planning on recording a video mix later this summer so stay tuned. Oh and if you need a DJ, leave a comment below or just shoot an email to the address at the top of this page. Cheers

Friday FAILS

News Anchorman FAIL Is Quite Hilarious

Yes, it is.

Used Car Dealership Commercial: Pitchman Is Definition Of "Douchebag"

You have got to be kidding, right?

Alien On Wiki

Just about everything you always wondered about the 1979 sci-fi masterpiece Alien, but never searched the answers for... right here.

One excerpt:
For the filming of the chestburster scene, the cast members knew that the creature would be bursting out of John Hurt, and had seen the chestburster puppet, but they had not been told that fake blood would also be bursting out in every direction from high-pressure pumps and squibs. The scene was shot in one take... When the creature burst through the chest a stream of blood shot directly at Veronica Cartwright, shocking her enough that she fell over and went into hysterics. According to Tom Skerritt: "What you saw on camera was the real response. She had no idea what the hell happened. All of a sudden this thing just came up." The creature then runs off-camera... The real-life surprise of the actors gave the scene an intense sense of realism and made it one of the film's most memorable moments.

An awesome, awesome read!

And btw, here's that scene (extended version):

SCX Digital Slot Car Racing Pretty Much Kicks Ass

Yessir, it does. This monster slot car racing system is down in my basement and I can personally testify: it ain't your ordinary, run-of-the-mill, put-it-in-the-closet-after-you-and-your-kids-play-with-it-three-times slot car set.

It's called SCX Digital. Watch this video clip and tell me it doesn't look like fun:

As you can see, slot car racing is not just for little kids at this point.

So you might be asking, what makes this slot car system better than the ones we grew up on? Well first, the cars are 1:32 scale -- meaning they are about the length of your hand rather than the little Hot Wheels size we've been trained on -- so they appear more realistic and don't go flying off the end of the track every five seconds like the little ones do. I mean, the cars move fast but not at the ridiculous speed of a bullet. And since this particular SCX system is digital, it allows up to six people to race simultaneously. Not only that, but the cars can switch lanes on the fly. If you want to zoom out in front of your opponent and then cut him off, you can do so. Other features specific to this system include a digital pit-stop with refueling, real-time LCD fuel tank readout, a novice/pro speed control option, adjustable lap counter, chronometer, and more. And the cars themselves are amazing to look at... they're Tampo printed with incredible detail and most cars have working headlights.

SCX Digital Red Bull Ferrari 360 GTC

(I'd love to pick this up)

I've had the system for a year and a half and trust me when I tell you, this shit is flat-out f#@%ing fun. Now granted, slot car racing is not something most people would want to do every day -- even a set as grand as this one can become tedious at one point -- but there have been several occasions when I've raced with a buddy for hours at a time, drinking beer, talking trash, all that stuff.

If you're ever exposed to digital slot car racing, give it a try... it's a freaking blast.

H.R. Giger

I was getting all up in arms about a possible Alien prequel yesterday and during my searches online I uncovered an awesome thing: H.R. Giger's website.

H.R. Giger was the man responsible for the look and feel of the Alien franchise, starting with the first film of course. Giger (pronounced "Gee-Gur") pretty much made the xenomorph concept come to life resulting in everyone getting the shit scared out of them in 1979.

So as I was sayin', Giger has a website. It was here that I learned about his museum and -- good lord if you can imagine it -- his bar. Sweet mother of god, H.R. Giger designed a bar! Yes, as in one that serves alcoholic beverages! Just look at it, will you?

Giger actually had several bars in Switzerland, Japan, and New York but a couple of them have closed. The two in Switzerland are still operating supposedly.

In any event, I just thought you might enjoy this quick post on H.R. Giger. Now get out there and have a sunny day.

Presenter FAIL

Will Ridley Scott Direct The Alien Prequel?

So will he or won't he? No one seems to know for sure. First we were informed that Ridley Scott and his brother Tony were producing the film. Now we are hearing that Fox is pounding its mega-powerful fist on the table, pointing at Ridley to direct the movie.

My personal take is this. First, I absolutely love Alien to death. I've seen that movie probably between 30 and 40 times since my dad took me to see it in the theater back in the day. Second, as good a film as Cameron's follow-up is, I still do not think it's as good a film as the original. There is something to be said for building suspense and then unleashing it on an audience -- and that is exactly what Ridley Scott did. Not only was Alien filled with groundbreaking, mesmerizing eye candy and fascinating twists and turns, it also f#*%ing scared you. Third, a prequel is a dangerous gamble. Think about it. We already know what is going to happen, since we've seen Alien and all of the (mostly shitty) sequels. So what is it that Fox needs to do to ensure this becomes a good sci-fi film? I honestly don't know.

What do you think? Can Ridley Scott pull it off? Does he need to direct this prequel in order to pull the franchise out of the gutter? What other things need to happen to make this thing fly and fly well? H. R. Giger should somehow be involved again, right? So many questions!

In the meantime, I submit this, a post by "Mori" via this AICN Talkback. I think it hits the nail on the head in so many respects...

If this film has to be made, Ridley's the man to do it. But my advise is steer clear of the signature elements that plague most sequels. For some reason, studio execs seem to think that if a movie moment worked first time around, it's good to to re do it again, ie an Alien film check list must have the following moments. 1- must have a chest burster scene, 2- must have a robotic human, 3- must have Sigourney Weaver, 4- must have endless corridor chasing 5- must have acid blood corrosion. It's tiresome & cheap second time around, we see through it. If another Alien film is unavoidable, re think it, make it different, avoid repetition. An Alien prequel needs to go back to it's roots. Dark, twisted, wierd, scary. No action hero types, cast character actors, it's more realistic that way. No kids. Go back to the Giger vibe. Be brave Fox, go out on a limb, give us the unexpected. Also, delete AVP Requiem from your catalogue, withdraw the DVD's from the shelves, take back the fee you paid that pair of dunderheads that tried to direct it.

Ryu Pulls A Hadoken On The US Auto Industry

Man, he is pissed.

Pictures Of Chicks Dressed As Video Game Characters

Click for larger image of Ivy from Soul Caliber

(trust me, it's worth a click)

Courtesy of Holy Taco...

Special thanks to Holy Taco

How To Start A Massive Dance Party (Fascinating)

This is great. It's pretty much a social experiment. How long does it take to amass a crowd of dancing party-goers? Answer: not long

First Pic Of Mickey Rourke As Whiplash In Iron Man 2

Check it out, a USA Today exclusive news piece right here.

I'm kinda hopin' that shot is from a sequence showing off Rourke in a prototype suit, and that the full-on Whiplash armor ends up more like the newer comics' version:

Okay so it's a little S&M. But you have to admit it looks better than this gay swashbuckling butt pirate version of Whiplash:

I can do without the feather and cape, thank you very much. I have faith in Jon Favreau; the man did more than kick ass with the first installment.