Friday, July 17, 2009

My Transformers Revenge Of The Fallen Review

Let me preface my little two-minute review by stating even though it was somewhat thin on story and over-the-top on action and destruction, I very much enjoyed the first film, Transformers.

On Tuesday I took my 11 year-old and fourteen year-old boys to see the new Transformers film, Revenge Of The Fallen. I actually considered dropping them off at the theater since I had been made aware that this sequel was — at best — not very good. Right now I think it's floundering somewhere around 20% over at Rotten Tomatoes.

Anyway, much to my chagrin I did go with my sons to watch the movie. I figured hell, if for no other reason than to bond with my kids. They really, really wanted to see it.

So here's my review. Are you ready? Here it is:

Shweeeeeeeeeeedge, whoom, whoom, reaahhh, KOOM, womp-womp-womp-womp, ssssssshhhhatooooooooom, KWOOM-KWOOM-KWOOM-
KWOOM, rakk, BA-GOOM, pow-wow-wow-wow, KREEEEN, takka-takka-takka, reaahhh, ju-ju-ju-ju, creak, fwap, SHAAAAK, reaahhh, reaahhh, shloo-loo-loo-loo, whuuummmm, wak-ak-ak-koom, GOW, GOW, GOW, ssshhhleeen!!

Now repeat that for two and a half hours. Literally.

When I left the theater I felt violated. Visually. Auditorily. And I felt like the victim of some kind of scam. That I sat there and willingly wasted two and a half hours of my life, to me, was crazy town.

Look, I know a movie about talking robots from space that turn into (primarily) GM vehicles isn't exactly Shakespeare — and I realize the plot for said ridiculousness would be fairly thin if not non-existent — but holy christ, at what point did Michael Bay decide he would pummel people's heads in with mangled wreckage and explosions for an entire movie?

Shakespeare--------------Michael Bay

My understanding is that yes, Orci and Kurtzman (the same writing team behind the first Transformers movie and the new Trek film, among others) penned the script, but that Bay stormed his way through the script and assembled the carnage any way that he saw fit regardless of any cohesive plot. I could be wrong, I don't have evidence to back this up, but the general concensus seems to point to this theory. Why else would this film be such a disaster? And why would anyone be so hell-bent on pummeling the audience all the way through the movie rather than build-up to a climactic ending? Come on, this is basic storytelling here. You don't hose everyone down with everything you've got during an entire movie! I guess Bay figures, "Wouldn't it be a better fireworks show if the 'finale' was from beginning to end, just 110% fireworks all the way through?" This is not a fireworks show, this is a movie, and I have to disagree.

And I won't even mention all the terrible, terrible jokes, the "hey, we're a couple of robots from the hood, complete with gold teeth, ebonics, and we can't read either!" racism, the gratuitous-to-a-new-degree Megan Foxx camera angles and the stupidest line in all of moviedom: "I'm under the scrotum!"

Now I know why the phrase "Damn you, Michael Bay!" is so popular on geek sites like Ain't It Cool News.

For all the action going on, you'd think a person would be captivated, right? I fell asleep twice. And I wasn't tired when I walked in. This movie drained me. It drained me like those scary bird people drained the essence out of the f#%*ing podlings in The Dark Crystal (excellent movie, btw). That's how much it drained me!

So the movie ended and the credits started to roll. Before I got negative about the film to my kids I wanted to find out what they thought... I didn't want to taint their responses. As we walked out of the theater, I said, "So that was a lot of action! Did you guys get your money's worth?" My eleven year-old replied, "No. That was bad. It had no story, just constant destruction!" My fourteen year-old said, "It was okay." And for him to say that translated to "It pretty much sucked."

Regardless of the gazillions of dollars this thing is raking in, a word to anyone interested in a career in filmmaking: Don't use this movie as an example of how to make a good action flick... use it as an example of what not to do.

In the meantime, Michael Bay is laughing all the way to the bank. We are suckers.


  1. KREEEEEN! pow-wow-wow, FWAP!

    That whole review (in red) sounds like Don Martin having a seizure! LOL!

  2. Um, yeah...I saw this Friday night only because my friends wanted to. What a waste of time.

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