Thursday, March 5, 2009

Top 10 Dumbest Things To See On Cars

I spend about two hours a day on the road, so I see a lot of dumb shit. A lot. Here are, in my opinion, the top ten dumbest things ever to be associated with cars...

10. Wiper Fluid Nozzle L.E.D.s
"Oooh, you're cool! You have little glowing nipples on your hood that spray water!"

9. Antenna Balls
These are dumb, and they have been dumb ever since people started shoving them onto their antennas back in the seventies. Admittedly, the Jack In The Box one is 50% less dumb.

8. "My Kid Is An Honor Student At _____ School!" Bumper Stickers
Seriously. If you have to ask why this is dumb, you must
be a moron. Three words: No. One. Cares.

7. Giant Spoilers
Also known as "Ricer Wings," these aftermarket monstrosities are usually bolted on with a few screws and look extremely dumb! The owner of this car here is obviously looking to break Evel Knievel's Snake River Canyon record. (Okay, so Bubba Blackwell broke it; Evel Knievel just has a better ring to it.)

6. The Pontiac Aztek
True, it is not a car accessory, but it is the ugliest car to be manufactured in twenty years, so I am putting it here at number six.

5. Spinners
There is perhaps no better way to maintain your street cred than to roll with a set of these. Admittedly, I fell victim to some spinners one day at a stop light. I thought the light changed to green because the car next to me looked like it was moving forward. Shit!

4. TIE: Dumb Decals / Magnetic "Sympathy Ribbons"
Dumb Decals: Okay, we get it! Calvin is pissing on the Ford logo! He's been pissing on the Ford logo and many other things for twenty years! We get it!
Sympathy Ribbons: No offense to anyone who wants to honor our servicemen or fight breast cancer, but do you have to put, like, six of these on the back of your mini-van? Really?

3. Fake Add-Ons
Have you always wanted a turbo side air intake, but couldn't afford it? Buy a fake one and attach it with sticky tape! These plastic add-ons are non-functional, and yes, dumb, da-dumb, dumb.

2. Sparkle Paint
Cars with sparkle paint jobs always remind me of an old, gay drum set. Maybe because I received an old, gay, glittery drum set for Christmas one year. All I know is, sparkle paint does not belong on a vehicle that's too big to race on a "Super Action Stunt Set."

And finally...

1. Truck Nuts
"Hey, look at me! I'm such a tough guy, even my truck
has a ball sack!!" This is the dumbest -- and I mean
dumbest with a capital D -- auto accessory ever made.
No wait -- I take that back -- it's so dumb it gets TWO capital D's.
And for the man who has everything? Lighted truck nuts!


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