They're doing it again. They're taking away my fun, again.
This time it's Sparks, the drink that looks like a giant "AA" battery. The product is being pulled from shelves, thanks to New York Attorney General Andrew Cuomo i.e; "Ass-Wad of the Year!"
The Sparks we've come to know -- a tasty malt beverage packed with caffeine, ginseng, taurine and all of those other butt-kicking, energy drink-type ingredients -- will soon be no more.
To me, Sparks is the white man's Mad Dog. At nearly 7% alcohol by volume, one can of Sparks does the job of two beers. And it has the taste of an energy drink. I like that. But they are taking it away.
Back in December, MillerCoors, the maker of Sparks, was ordered by Attorney General Andrew Cuomo to pull the beverage from stores in New York. But it won't stop there. MillerCoors is pulling Sparks from all shelves nationwide.
Cuomo stated, “Drinks like Sparks encourage the polar opposite of responsible drinking habits. Besides being aggressively marketed to a younger crowd, they are fundamentally dangerous and put drinkers of all ages at risk and blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. BLAH BLAH BLAH, I AM AN ASS-WAD, BLAH BLAH, AND I WAS BEATEN AS A CHILD, BLAH, THEREFORE I DO NOT ADVOCATE DRINKING OR HAVING FUN OF ANY KIND, BLAH BLAH BLAH..." Okay so I made up that last part, but still.
SCREW YOU AND ALL THE OTHERS LIKE YOU, CUOMO! YOU ARE TAKING AWAY MY FUN AND I HATE YOU!!!
I recently checked in with a few local gas stations and liquor stores here in northeast Ohio and noticed that Sparks was still being stocked. Sadly, this will not be the case for long.
So get your Sparks while you can. Because evil government shit-heads like Andrew Cuomo have nothing better to do with their time than to take away our fun. Before you know it, they will take away regular beer, then they will take away our air, and then we'll have to live underground in tunnels like they did in Total Recall.