Top 10 Valentine's Day FAILS

Each year on February 13th, men everywhere shuffle their way into department stores, drug stores and supermarkets; usually on the way home after work at around six or seven PM. We converge at the primary destination... the greeting card aisle. It is at this location where we give each other a slight nod and a knowing "You're here too, huh?" look. It's a brotherhood. We understand the pain.

It is Valentine's Day, and it is not unlike the day Captain Kirk took his Kobiashi Maru training exam. As men, we know this day will be difficult because we are facing a no-win scenario. We must be creative, damn creative. We also have to be fast because we waited until the last minute and goddammit, most of the cheap cards are gone. But more than anything, we have to find a gift to go with this card. A gift that does not suck.

If you are a man... if you want to live... do not, under any circumstances, buy any of these items for your woman today.

1. Universal learning remote

2. Weight Watchers ice cream bars

3. Automotive detailing kit

4. Gift certificate to Curves

5. Hair removal kit

6. Membership to swinger's club

7. Summer's Eve

8. Rims for the minivan

9. Ultra Kinky #79: Bowlin' In Her Colon on DVD

10. Swiffer