Wednesday, February 4, 2009

"Today I Learned..." Part 1

I can't remember where I stumbled onto this on the Net -- it was a few years ago -- but this "Today I Learned..." compilation is pretty funny, so I thought I'd start posting it in multiple installments * (typos and all). Just a bunch of random statements from people on the Internet. Does anyone know where these came from?

Today I Learned...

That as a manager you should never leave your grocery list on your desk when you go to lunch... because when you come back from lunch you will find your list now contains two speciality items... condoms and anal lube... and as funny as it is you will have to reprimand the people involved.... because your the manager

If you shoot a bird with a pellet gun numerous times, it's okay to then set it on fire.

I learned that I'm going to go to jail. And yes, I deserve to...

Sometimes you just gotta walk up to corporate and 'backhand' them in the face a couple times to get your point across

Hot chicks fart and poop

It's too late to let the dog outside when it has already started gagging

Heather's a genius, and thousand island is great on Del Taco hash browns

I learned that no matter which checkout line I pick, it will always be the wrong line. It will always have the lady that needs to price check a million things, dispute every price, lose her checkbook/credit card, have annoyingly sticky children that will try to touch me and everything around me.

I learned that the reason Mr. Rodgers always wore sweaters was because he had tattoos all over his arms from during his service in WW2

If you eat lots of Starburst, your poop can magically change colors

I learned that kids that are just starting potty training LOVE watching their poop go down the toilet and merrily bidding it goodbye

That if you roll a Lego car across the floor in your office, everyone will stop and stare at it as it goes by, and then instantly begin to smile. Try it!

That my hot pink wearin' soccer team -- The Muffins -- are the only undefeated team in all of the divisions at the complex we currently rule. And that Lindsey *and* Danielle both agree that my matching hot-pink armbands are sexy. And that I'm drunk. Again.

There was a man in france who was lost in a cave for 5 weeks and he survived by eating wood and clay

Power-Point presentations need not have any sort of background that actually goes along with what it is about

Fish don't fry in the kitchen and beans don't burn on the grill

I've learned that it's fun to get lost some times. You meet fun people all the time.... we'll you'll meet crazy people too

That sometimes when you wear shirts that say funny things, shoe salesmen give you discounts

That no matter what type of gay club you visit from Alaska to Alabama... gay men will always find an excuse take off their shirt (even the guys without the hot body) and if by chance there is a mirror available.... spend most of the night alternating who gets to dance in the mirror with their shirt off. However, the women sadly will not.

Those bumps on the areola are braile for the blind to find the nipple

That familes can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs

That when you're sliding in to first and you feel something burst... diarrhea cha cha cha

* More to come...
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